HJAR May/Jun 2022

18 MAY / JUN 2022 I  HEALTHCARE JOURNAL OF ARKANSAS   The clarity of this insight has been help- ful to many grieving people. Researchers Margaret Strobe and Henk Schut describe this as the “dual process model” where we oscillate between a “loss orientation” and a “restoration orientation.” We go back and forth, and the challenge for each person is to find their balance, giving enough atten- tion to both grieving and living. Making Meaning of Grief Thinking of grief as a deep wound is a helpful metaphor. Imagine someone left a broken bottle in a parking lot, and we trip and fall with our hand landing on a large, jagged piece of glass. We look at this big chunk of glass stuck deep in our hand. This is grief — a big hurt that we didn’t choose, but have nevertheless. Nowwe have choices about how to respond. We could tend to the wound, seek help, treat our hand with extra care and caution while in this vulner- able state, and gradually begin to use our hand again as healing occurs. Our hand may eventually be fully useful again, and it might even grow stronger than it was before. Nevertheless, we will have a scar that can remind us of how bad it was and how much healing has taken place. There is another choice with our injured hand, however. We could skip the “loss orientation” and focus solely on the person, their time of life, and the relation- ship to the person or thing lost. There are no universal “stages of grief,” and we would do better to leave that con- cept behind. The “stages of grief” concept came from a misapplication of ideas from the book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, published in 1969. Kubler- Ross did the world a great service by pro- moting needed thinking and conversa- tions about death and dying. However, her observations of dying adults have not proven generalizable for those who grieve. When we give it some thought, we know this. Grief is not linear and is messier than any five structured stages. It’s comforting to think of grief as that predictable and limited, but it’s just not true to our experiences. As grief writer, counselor, and researcher, Ken Doka has said, “Would you want to go to an oncologist who hasn’t learned anything new since 1969?”The same principle applies to how we try to understand our experiences of grief. We keep learning. However, while there is great variety, some commonalities apply to most of us, young, old, and in-between. In more recent years, grief specialists have discovered that it helps to think of grieving people as addressing two major challenges: dealing with the pain of grief and finding ways to live in a new reality. We’re going to think about grief for a bit. Let’s start by speaking plainly. Grief is miserable. Grief hurts, confuses, disori- ents, angers, and exhausts. Sometimes, grief entangles with feelings of relief and gratitude. Grief naturally comes from loss — losses of all kinds and throughout our lives. It’s a fitting human response to loss, but that doesn’t make it easier. On its own, grief is not a problem to be solved but an essential part of life to be experienced. While chal- lenging, the presence of grief is not a “red flag”or worry. However, the absence of grief following a significant loss would be a “red flag” or worry. It has been said that grief is what love looks like after someone dies. It is a natural part of caring and the bonds between us. If one can connect to another person or a thing, then one would grieve the loss of that person or thing. We can experience grief even when we don’t have words to describe it. We see this with infants separated from their parents. A life void of caring, bonding, and love is the only way to truly avoid grief, but this is too high a price to pay. Grief impacts us all. Babies, children, ado- lescents, adults, young, and old. Parents, sib- lings, spouses, partners, and friends. And caring healthcare professionals. Everyone. Each experience of grief is unique to that Greg Adams, LCSW, ACSW, FT, coordinates the Center for Good Mourning and Staff Bereavement Support at Arkansas Children’s Hospital (ACH) and is a fellow in thanatology with the Association of Death Education and Counseling. Greg has served at ACH in various roles and disciplines, including pediatric oncology and palliative care, since 1991. He is an adjunct professor with the University of Arkansas at Little Rock and has been an active volunteer with community and professional organizations. He is also the author of “Adam Gets Back in the Game,” a children’s storybook about coping with grief and loss.